The lush golf-course communities, tidy parks and sprawling Bishop Ranch office complexes in San Ramon are worlds apart from the battlefields of Iraq, but the war hit too close to home this week when a young local Marine was killed in action.

Unaccustomed to dealing with the tragic aftermath of combat, many residents, students and teachers were struggling Thursday not only with their grief over the death of 18-year-old Kyle Crowley, but also with the nagging feeling that the war's toll is turning out to be too high.

"I think there definitely comes a point when we say we've done what we could do,'' said Anne Stevens, 29, watching her 4-year-daughter Tabatha play in a large fountain at the city's Central Park.

Stevens said she had supported the war because the United States had to do something about Saddam Hussein, but the fierce fighting this week that left dozens of American troops dead, including two other Bay Area young men, gives her pause.

"I think there comes a point when the government needs to say enough is enough,'' she said.

Larry Grey, who was taking a day off from his job at PeopleSoft to be with his 18-month-old son, said he thought the Bush administration's reasons for going to war in Iraq were "ill-founded.'' However, he believes it may be worse to pull out.

"I think there is danger of mishandling things over there,'' said Grey, who was picnicking in the glorious spring weather next to a manmade lake. "At this stage, doing nothing or pulling out is going to be worse.''

That San Ramon has mixed feelings on the war isn't a surprise. Voters in the Contra Costa County city of about 45,000 people also split in the 2000 presidential election, when Bush won 9,525 votes compared to 9,384 for Gore.

In San Ramon, as in most suburbs around the Bay Area, American flags fly from some homes, but there is nothing like the overwhelming display of colors and yellow ribbons seen in military cities like Fairfield or Oceanside, near San Diego County's Camp Pendleton. A year ago, several hundred out-of-town anti-war protesters converged at ChevronTexaco's world headquarters in San Ramon, but even though they were greeted with epithets from some passing commuters, the event was peaceful. Protesters arrested for trying to block the company gates ended up praising San Ramon police for being so polite.

Many residents say their day-to-day concerns focus more on the local economy, jobs, traffic and their families. Still, learning that a local teen died in a fierce firefight east of the Iraqi city of Ramadi made such concerns seem pedestrian.

Marcy Watson, 36, said she supported the war and the president, but she's glad it will be many years before her two sons, ages 1 and 4, are old enough to join the military. She said she was heartbroken that Crowley was among the Marines killed at Ramadi.

"They're just such little kids,'' she said of the troops. "They're so innocent and naive. And it seems like a day doesn't go by where there's not young kids who are losing their lives. My heart goes out to (Crowley's) family. ''

The epicenter of San Ramon's grief Thursday was at California High School, where students and teachers stopped in front of a growing memorial around a redwood tree on the front lawn, crying and hugging as they stared at the smiling photo of Crowley in the Marines dress blues that he was proud to wear.

Darren Nudelman, 19, last saw Crowley before he shipped out to Iraq a few months ago, and said he and his friends had stayed up all night Wednesday to make a poster with photos of Crowley and hand-scrawled tributes from those closest to him.

"All of our love was combined into one thing,'' Nudelman said of the hours spent making the display. "It felt like a family.''

Questions about whether to support or oppose the continued presence of American troops in Iraq were not on the minds of Crowley's friends or teachers. Instead, they praised his courage, spoke fondly of his ready smile and upbeat personality and said he had died doing a job he had longed to do for years.

"He's one of the bravest people I know,'' said his cousin, Steve Speights, 18, who recalled that Crowley wanted to be the kind of Marine who would go behind enemy lines. "He wanted to be in the most gnarly position. He knew what he was getting himself into.''

Crowley's closest friends were planning a candlelight vigil and memorial service at Central Park tonight at 9. Chad Higgins, 18, who was in Crowley's class, said with tears in his eyes that it helped to make the plans.

"Anything you do in remembrance of Kyle is positive,'' Higgins said.

Tamara Reneau, a campus supervisor who knew Crowley, watched carefully as students gathered at the memorial.

"I think having them come together like this not only helps remember Kyle but helps us get back to the things that are important in life,'' she said, adding that students who didn't even know the young man were moved to tears by his death. "It puts things in perspective.

"He died for what he loved,'' Reneau said, recalling that Crowley had visited the campus in December wearing his Marine uniform. "He was so proud. He stood taller. He just looked so mature.''

However, she added, students along with Crowley's family and friends -- and the whole city of San Ramon -- will have to deal with the fact that he died in war less than a year after graduating from high school.